About Heroes

As I was watching it a few hours ago, it occurred to me that since it was a movie based on a video game and it had zombies and monsters in it, it probably applied to this site as far as reviewing goes, so here I am, writing a review / rant on the newest chapter of the movie series that claims to be based on the Resident Evil movies.

To preface, I thought the first had it's moments and was sorta ok. I watched the second and wanted to die. When the trailer for this one came out, the inner me (which is foolish and reliant on instant gratification) watched and went "Ooooooh.....that looks kinda cool! Maybe this one will be better!" However, my brain quickly nipped it in the bud and quoted Admiral Akbar, screaming "IT'S A TRAAAAAAP!!!"

Well I bit. I went for that cheese ladies and gentlemen, and on top of being full of holes, it's smelly and has gone terribly terribly bad. We open quite some time after the first second movie is over. The world has been ravaged by zombies and there are few survivors. Claire Redfield, Carlos Whathisname and Mike Epps the ridiculous racial stereotype have all banded together and found survivors and massed them all into a Hummer 2 / Schoolbus / Gas Tanker convoy and are heading through the desert, just kind of wandering around. Our protagonist Alice happens to be sort of nearby just wandering around too on her motorcycle, scoping out the sand and finding that besides being an ultra cool ninja with super kung-fu and the uber-accessory-like beastial strength, she also has super-keen telekinetic abilities! Woo! However, the drawback of these ridiculous Jedi-Powers manifesting is that the nearby underground Umbrella base picks up her psyonic (?) abilities and becomes aware of her continued existence. The three parties all converge nad mayhem ensues. That's all you need for setup. If you want to know all the rest of the stuff, go see the movie and find out, cuz I don't want to spoil anybody's remote chance at a good time.

The Good: It's got Zombies. It's got monsters. It's got people being eaten / killed by Zombies and Monsters. It's got a whole "Road Warrior" setting. C'mon. Plus, Ali Larter and Milla Jovovich are hot. Also....um.....no wait....yeah that's about it. I guess the huge Hitchcock homage is a plus too, with the added threat of Zombie birds, who are actually silly, but neat in theory.

The Bad: I know it isn't really expected of this movie, but even for a zombie movie, the writing is pretty silly. The action sequences are often just a little clumsy and too quick so that all you can really get out of it is that Alice is a kung fu master that beats stuff up in an efficient and Jackie Chan-esque manner. Also...there aren't really any monters in this like there are in the games. No giant animals, no hunters, not even any lickers, who've been in the past 2 movies. However, to be fair, there's sort of a Bandersnatch (from RE: Code Veronica) / Nemesis Tyrant Hybrid in it, which was fun. Alice's addition of telekinetic powers is also silly. And did you know that the Clown-Car equivalent for zombies is in fact a regular cargo-shipping container? One of them supplies enough zombies to....well I don't want to spoil anything, but they occupy an area pretty thickly after emerging from it.

The Ugly: This Movie is so frustrating. The games have a huge fan-following and yet the people making the movies feel like they have to do their own thing for whatever reason and pretty much bastardize the cool stuff in the games, making the game heroes play second fiddle to their uber-creation, the director's girlfriend. On top of that, they add stupid horrible characters like Mike Epps, who, even by his standards of acting, really phones it in on this one. His 'anonymous thug-lite black guy one-liners" are delivered as if he knew how utterly dumb his character is and how much people like me don't want him there. Claire Redfield never really has a badass moment, and doesn't really do justice to her video-game reflection beyond the point of being generally good natured and wanting to help people. Carlos is the same Carlos from the last movie.....although Carlos was just a bad choice for a character to bring in from the games because he's actually pretty annoying in the game anyway. The bright-line of the character-to-movie selections, though, is the (brief) involvement of Wesker! Neat-o! He's so cool, wearing those sunglasses in those dimly lit underground rooms. Bottom line, when I was watching this towards the end, there's a scene that, while i was watching it, thought 'hey, this could make a halfway decent game.' and then I realized it's supposed to be based on a game. It's so far removed from it's origins that it doesn't remotely remind me of it's origins. You can take that 2 ways, either I'm dumb, or I'm right about this apple falling far from the tree.

For those of you who haven't played the games and don't know what they're about, it's about an evil company that makes a virus that turns you into a zombie, and then later makes a bug-thing that gets into your body and makes you all cranky and obedient. As far as similarities to the movies....well the movies have characters with similar names and kinda similar outfits, Zombies, Zombie dogs, and monsters. The story has really nothing to do with the games other than "UMBRELLA BAAAAD" and those previously listed similarities dragged and dropped from the games.

I know I'm probably jumping on a pretty overpopulated bandwagon of nerdy video game / movie loving purists, but I can't help but wish they'd pull somewhat of a 'Batman Begins' on this concept and start not from scratch, but from where the movies have paved the way. Zombies are always fun, but not when I feel like they're mocking me, knowing that I'm enslaved to pay and see them, no matter how disappointing they may be or how far off the mark they are. Want to go turn your brain off and see a flick? Be my guest, but if you're a fan of the Resi games....wrestle with it for awhile, and if you really want to see it, just keep your gaurd up for the sillyness that lies ahead. See ya next time kiddies! I give this movie a D+.