About Heroes

Oh boy. Well the usual pattern with these movie reviews that are sequels is for me to lightly touch upon the first film and do a sort of mini-review and then move on to the main show, the sequel, which is Hellboy 2 in this case. Also, stay tuned after the review for a PSA you should probably read about the Dark Knight. No spoilers, I promise, I haven't seen it either. Ok, onward and upward kiddies! Hellboy 2!

So, the first Hellboy movie is a movie I enjoyed. I wouldn't say it was great by any measure, but it was enjoyable and had fun and interesting characters. I guess now is as good a time as any to mention that I really don't read any Hellboy comics or any of the related stuff like B.P.R.D. or Lobster Johnson, although I know that isn't REALLY too connected. That being said, we can just assume I'm writing this review from the point of a film reviewer, not a comic reviewer. So as a movie, the first Hellboy film wasn't great simply because there never really seemed to be that great of a momentum for the story and it's all resolved by Hellboy basically saying "Eh....no thanks." I'd rate it a C. Pretty to look at fun at times, but just full of holes. NOT plot holes, just incomplete and kind of disappointing.

Hellboy 2, which I just got home from watching no more than 20 minutes ago, is a different story. Guillermo Del Toro has showed that he's a competent director with work in the Orphanage and of course, Pan's Labyrinth. Something about Hellboy just makes him bad though, just like something about Marvel makes Jeph Loeb bad (at least generally speaking, I've heard good things about his character profile arcs, like the most recent Captain America: White). This movie, right from the get-go, is just awful. It's piss poor in just about every aspect other than crazy creature displays, and even that wasn't handled too well, but I'll get to that part later. The first scene opens up with an awful kid painted up as Hellboy in his early adolescent years being read a bed time story setting the backdrop for the Golden Army, and it's just terrible. Never have I wanted to punch a kid in the face so badly. Now that I think of it, it might be that English is a second language for GDT. Maybe he doesn't know what convincing English sounds like. I'd prefer that to the fact that he just let acting slip away to play second fiddle to a bunch of ooh-la-la and a story that just makes excuses to display nutty creatures inspired by Mignola's comic.

The acting in this film is lackluster at best, and spearheading this campaign of mind shattering-suckery is Selma Blair as Liz Sherman, Pryo-lady. She wasn't the only one though, it was a tight race and she really had to work for it to beat out some of her competition. Just like in the first movie, romantic scenes between Blair and Perlman (Hellboy) are just painfully awkward, and in the big romance scene of the movie, Perlman is literally unconscious, so he can't be blamed. I can't really remember ever seeing Selma Blair truly act well, but I know she's more capable than what I saw tonight. But enough about her. Ron Perlman (Hellboy), Jeffrey Tambor (Tom Manning) and Luke Goss (Prince Nuada) all weigh in and come up short as actors. Now, it shouldn't go without saying that a bad script had at least a hand in this, but there were many times throughout the movie where I was literally cringing in pain at what I was being exposed to at the expense of my hard earned dollars. Perlman comes across too awkwardly in the titular roll, seeming like an awkward cosplayer at a convention feeling just a bit too silly to really get into character. Tambor is just dealt with poorly as a character, too his credit, although I've still seen him be much better. And Goss. Sweet awesome badass Goss. Why couldn't you have channeled whatever GDT struck up in you in Blade 2 and just played a good Villain? The only character I enjoyed pretty whole-heartedly was Johann Kraus, and that's because he was basically a mime with somebody else talking for him. I enjoyed this character a lot despite a silly fight with Hellboy until the very end of the movie, where they take him as a character, open up his containment suit, and start to poop in it (Bad writing again).

This screenplay is a super duper swiss cheese extravaganza with a built in oil drilling rig just in case there weren't enough holes when you walked in the door. This thing has more plot holes and underused themes there were hairs on Chewbacca. There's a whole conflict of humans not truly accepting Hellboy despite him protecting them and whether he should fight for them or the nutty creatures that he's helping essentially rid the world of. A fine plot-line to be sure. To bad it's only really briefly touched upon here and there in the movie and then just kinda of splurged away at the end of the movie leaving you a tad flat. The biggest piece of sillyness in the film was the awkwardly crammed in love story between Princess Nuala and Abe Sapien, who after just meeting Abe, falls in love with him, and prompts him to do the same, only it didn't stop there. They use Abe's crush (and trust me when I say it's an awkward one) to strum up a drunken kareoke-esque scene with Abe and Hellboy crooning out the musical equivalent of Air Supply, which is funny for a few lines, but quickly takes a turn to being inappropriate and out of place, joining the ranks of Super Dance-off Mr. Fantastic from Fantastic Four 2 and Emo-Bluesdaddy Parker from Spider-Man 3. And the titular Villain, the Golden Army, is dealt with in the same manner as the first movie, with Hellboy basically just speaking up and saying "Nooooo, stop that." Granted, this movie did flex much more impressive fight scenes (the Golden Army scene is very pretty, I'll give them that, and Johann Straus more than makes up for his locker-room exploits earlier in the film here). Still, the resolution of everything still feels a bit anti-climactic and the meat of the sandwich of a film is very stringy and undercooked.

The one thing this movie did with flying colors was bring out the freaks. There isn't a character in this movie that doesn't look awesome, whether it be Wink, the Wrecking Ball-Fisted Brute, The Angel of Death, or a giant CGI Rock-Door guy, they are look great. And that's a good thing, except for the fact that when you want to have one of the main plot points of the movie be how Hellboy interacts with the human race, you're gonna want to show some interaction with humans. The most we get is just a crowd essentially yelling "BOO! YOU'RE WEIRD! BOOGAH BOOGAH BOOGAH!!!!" Nice job guys, you've alienated and destroyed the best subplot you had going for you and essentially alienated your audience, since we all love Hellboy. We, as humans, are painted as uncaring and un-understanding, but with no reason whatsoever, much like Spidey is in the comics just after beating a deadly supervillain. It's frustrating enough to make me want to rip my horns...er....hair out.

All in all this movie was just a bust. I recommend you save yourself the price of admission and just rent it on netflix when it comes out. Just be sure that when you do, you put it on mute and just turn on a good action-oriented album and let the awesomely designed characters run around in your noggin for a bit. I give it a D.

DARK KNIGHT PSA

Ok kiddies, gather 'round and listen up. I know you're probably excited for next weekend when the Dark Knight opens up next weekend. You can bet that I and probably a few other writers here at AboutHeroes are going to toss up a review for it, but I beg you. Please, learn from the past and calibrate yourselves. I see so many people walking around talking about how this movie is going to be awesome AND I'M NOT SAYING IT ISN'T. Just take it down a notch, ok? Let's all make sure we don't psyche ourselves out for this. Just relax. When you go to the theaters with all your buddies, have a good time, but be calm. Don't let what happened to me in Spider-Man 3 happen to you. Make sure you go in just hoping for an enjoyable, entertaining movie. Don't expect the best comic book movie ever because as good as it'll probably be, it might not be that. Look, all I'm saying is don't ruin it for yourself. Just do yourself a favor and forget the hype. Just go see a Batman flick and hope it's on par with the first. Ok? Good talk, now get out there and give 'em hell, and come back next weekend for the Dark Knight Review ala Joshiebear!