Dead Run #1

Writer: Andrew Cosby / Michael Alan Nelson
Artist: Francesco Biagini

Dead Run is basically Mad Max in comic form...Mad Max 2 mind you, none of that Mad Max 1 bullshit. The main character, a Nick Masters, is a driver courier looking to make a buck whilest trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic looking world. Along the way his brother in law gets the shit beat out of him and his sister is kidnapped by a crimelord of sorts asking Nick to make a courier run to San Francisco, and in exchange he'll let Nick's sister live. The road to San Francisco is anything but safe, nicknamed "The Dead Run", Nick goes to see the only man ever known to make the Dead Run and come back alive. The guy (who looks to have lost an arm) pretty much tells Nick he's insane and to fuck off. As Nick leaves the driver's daughter stops Masters' saying she knows the way but will only tell him if she can ride along with him to San Francisco. As they drive past the gates you get the feeling the road ahead is not gonna be an easy one.

OK, so the writing. The writing in this sucker is manageable. Parts of the dialogue flow pretty well but there are eh.. moments... "Son, I've had kidney stones with bigger balls then you". First off...really...kidney stones...the things that are created in your balls, have balls bigger then...*sigh*..in a literal sense or any other sense...ehhh yeah no, not a good piece of dialogue. Maybe "Son, I've had pieces of shit with bigger balls then you" or something else...maybe I can get behind that. ANYWAY, overall the story/writing for this first issue is alright, the thing with the old driver's daughter you can see set up even before he talks to the father and you know its coming but again, first issue so not putting expectations up too high here.

The artwork in this first issue has it's highs and lows. The cover art by Jason Shawn Alexander for Cover B I think was awesome, giving a nice grittiness to Nick Masters reminding one of a cover of Constantine: Hellblazer. As for the inside of the actual issue Francesco Biagini's art style feels a lot like Stuart Immonen's style from Nextwave only with more grit. Some panels come off great some not so great, page 15 where it's a huge panel trying to convey the massiveness of one of the walls around Los Angeles, the panel is penciled pretty well but it's in contrast to stuff that feels off like in page 1, where you have that same massive wall and this barely illustrated city behind it. I don't know how to explain it accurately other then to say I feel like Biagini will be in the middle of penciling and then try a ever so slight change in style and then go "Oh...well...no...I'll go back to what I was doing earlier". I haven't seen any prior work he has done though, so maybe I am being overly harsh.

Overall this first issue is ok. It's not bad but it's not great. I will say however that the story is interesting enough to keep with it for at least another issue, as I get the feeling things will really pick up as they head further out on the road. B+

(Note: If you want a free peak at the issue, comic book resources has a couple pages up for free here: http://www.comicbookresources.com/?page=preview&id=2491))

Strange #1

Writer: Mark Waid
Artist: Emma Rios

So for the first time in over a year, I willingly paid for a single from Marvel Comics. Only two reasons why I did this

1.) Waid (Flash) was writing it
2.) It was a Doctor Strange comic.

So, was this worth the close to 3.99 I paid for it? Almost.

The story starts out with a slight olde school insert from the old Doctor Strange comics whilest at the same time foreshadowing an event that looks to happen much later in the story (Stephen Strange looking as though he's being torturted) CUT TO ...a baseball game.

An angsty teen is twittering via her phone about having to sit thru said game, a fly ball she catches and throws back squarely into none other then Stephen Strange. The coincidence is of course not one as Stephen tries to get the girl to lead him to her Grandfather (the manager of the home team playing). Apparently the team is involved in some kind of deal with a demon and in losing the game all the souls in the arena essentially will get sucked into hell. Stephen is confronted by the dealer demon and you soon realize that Strange has become known as somewhat of a hack now, even in Demonic circles. There is more but, I don't wanna give the whole issue away.

The first issue of Strange is good but not great. Waid's storytelling an characterization is on point, the callback to the old Strange comic, the depiction of Stephen Strange as kinda a down and out master sorcerer, etc, etc, all of it is good...which leaves the artwork. Much of the artwork Rios does in this first issue is good and has a Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane / Miyazawa feel to it, until you get to the baseball game. Essentially at one part in the story Stephen Strange has to play in a baseball game with demons. In what should be some purely awesome panels of Strange rounding the bases I was left utterly confused about what the fuck was going on. Rios's depiction of the demon players was just too much or rather too busy as you had tentacles an the like flying every which way confusing me and likely every other reader on what actually was happening. I get it, their demons, they have tentacles and other weird appendages, you don't need to show ALL of them. You eventually figure out Strange is safe on home base only when the umpire says SAFE...and yeah...that's just not good. I am not trying to bash Rios here, she's a good artist, but those panels woulda benefited from a less is more strategy

Aside from the "too many tentacles" issue this first issue of Strange was interesting. I say wait for the trade to come out though and enjoy it then. With their being only 4 issues in this series and each costing 3.99 you might save more money reading this title that way.

B+

The Talisman #1 & 2

Writers: Stephen King & Peter Straub (Script - Robin Furth)
Artists: Nei Ruffino & Tony Shasteen:
Letterer: Bill Tortolini

So I got the first two issues of the Talisman back a week or so ago and they have been sitting in my pile, mocking me.

Originally I had tried listening to the audiobook version of King & Straub's "The Talisman" a year or so ago and I feel asleep I was soo bored by it. The comics apparently hit a better flow with me.

The initial story is set back around the 80s and centers around a boy and his mother. The two travel to an area of New Hampshire after the death of the father and more recently the boy's Uncle Tommy. Essentially the mother is driving there to escape another "evil uncle" whilest at the same time finding a place to fight the cancer that is slowly consuming her. The boy is all too aware of things going on around him and his inability to do anything about it. Eventually an old fellow named Speedy runs into Jack (the boy) and tells Jack that the daydreams he often has are not daydreams but in fact visions of another real world, wherein sorcerers, queens, etc all exist. Apparently his evil uncle in his reality is an evil wizard in the other reality and slowly taking over everything. Eventually Speedy tells the kid that he must go to this other reality and obtain "The Talisman" should he want to save everyone. The kid says his vague goodbye's to his mother, telling her he has to disappear for awhile and soon enough after Speedy sends the boy on his way to the other reality.

Ok so first and foremost, this is not one of those "symbolic" stories where everything is an analogy for what's happening in the boy's life and everything is simply a figment of the boy's imagination....all of this is actually happening. Now that I got that little tidbit out of the way, I'll say that from what I have read, these first two issues of "The Talisman" have been alright, and I didn't fall asleep completely while turning each page. I do have a problem with Jack's mother being ok with him disappearing for an indeterminate amount of time, not probing him with questions or arguing with her son, I mean ok...fantasy story and all yea but still...the mother is ok with her son just saying he's gonna vanish for awhile...seems to push believability there a bit but, I digress. The story again so far is ok, the inclusion of wizards and alternate realities is interesting and intriguing on it's own, especially when you realize it's not another one of those tired "EVERYTHING IS A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING" stories. The story looks like it will have a slow burn though as being based off a large book there is still a lot of material left for the comic to cover, so your best off buying or borrowing a trade of this when it comes out if slow burns aren't your idea of fun. (There's a joke there but I'm not taking it). The actual text is pretty close to the original content, with descriptions handled decently by the artists.I am not a huge fan of the style but by the second issue I think it was starting to grow on me a little.

Final thought, if you like Stephen King, or even just fantasy try checking this title out. B+

Kick-Ass Movie Review, Or: How I Became Infatuated With A 10 Year Old Girl / Fictional Character...

It was any other Wednesday. I was futzing around on the internet and minding my own business when my trusty gmail notification blip went off and I scurried to my Gmail tab to see what online pharmacy was launching penis pills at me today, but to my surprise, it was the screening exchange instead. Somehow, I was selected to receive a ticket to see a super-early screening of the film adaptation of Mark Millar's Kick-Ass. And at the ArcLight in Hollywood no less! Not only was this a movie that I really wanted to see, but it was at literally the nicest theater you could go to in the area. Hooray!

Fast Forward to the day of, I show up super early and there's already a huge line. After waiting in line for a little over an hour and a half I got in and sat down and waited some more. Once everyone was let in and seated and the VIP's had their seats, one of the editors (if memory serves it was Eddie Hamilton) got up and explained that none of the special effects were done yet and all the music was temporary. This kinda made me sad cuz i didn't want to get cheated out of seeing the whole movie and miss out on the finished experience, but I was still happy to be sitting there for free when I didn't have anything else to do. And after a lot more boring waiting (man, I really should have brought a book or something, they don't let you bring in your phones so I couldn't text / call anyone) the movie started.

Jesus. This movie completely lives up to it's name. It's wraps up insane levels of ridiculousness and realism into a really fun package that you can't help but enjoy. I was skeptical of this movie at first simply because of how Wanted turned out, but this movie is made completely in the spirit of the comics (which aren't even done yet, haha). Everything I was kind of concerned about (mostly Nicolas Cage) was totally awesome. I don't want to sound too eager when reviewing this movie, but I really didn't know what to expect from this movie and it was really good from where I was sitting. By the end of the movie the whole crowd, including myself, were cheering, whooping and hollering. That's really saying something.

The characters are all awesome. Dave, the main character, (played by Aaron Johnson) is just like he is in the comics. A completely sarcastic improbable realist (haha, I know that doesn't make sense on paper, but he's a realistic guy who walks around as a costumed avenger). You completely sympathize with him as he goes through life in New York being pushed around by thugs and ignored by the girl he loves. He's had enough and he's going to stand up and make an effort to change the world he lives in. His friends are also really well cast. There's the inconsequential third guy, and Marty (played by Clark Duke, who's basically a much less-often laid transplant of his character in Sex Drive). They really help set the backdrop for Dave as a main character, because they play the guys you most likely hung out with in High School. A couple nerdy guys like yourself who constantly mess with you and give you crap because they're your buddies and they're supposed to.

Then There's Big Daddy and Hit Girl. Jesus Christ, these two were awesome. Big Daddy is played by Nicolas Cage and Hit Girl is played by Chloe Moretz. Both are amazing. Nicolas Cage plays his ridiculous character so well. As a Dad he's lovingly psychotic and oddly old-fashioned in his acting style, but it completely works to show that while he and his daughter go out and kill bad guys, they do love each other and function as a family on some weird level. The funniest thing is seeing him operate as Big Daddy. He kicks ass like a combination of the Dark Knight Batman, The Punisher (MAX of course), and talks like Adam West Batman, which just drives the whole thing home in a giant ball of awesome. And then there's Hit Girl. It's ridiculous that this movie has driven me to devoutly love a 10 year old girl, but it totally has. She's the perfect combination of out-of-costume cute little girl and then complete ass-kicking force to be reckoned with when in costume. You'll know what I'm talking about when you see the movie (you should, by the way). One minute she's daddy's little girl and the next she's calling a room full of gang bangers 'cunts' and then slicing them all up with swords.

There are a lot of other great characters in the film that are fun to see in this crazy story, gangsters, gang-bangers, high school chicks, and Christopher Mintz-McLuvin as Red Mist. The movie's just chock full of funny scenes, Awesome fights, and amazingly ridiculous story. It's really funny to compare and contrast the insane over-the-top insane fight scense featuring Big Daddy and Hit Girl to Kick-Ass, who basically is just a regular guy with some sticks who's trying to make a difference. The movie definitely handles the whacky idea of kids dressing up and trying to be heroes well. Whenever something goes right, 2 things go wrong to keep you grounded. I can't imagine a way this story could have been handled better, to be honest.

Lastly, as mentioned before, I was told that the music was all temporary and stollen from other places and the effect shots weren't done. Well, the effect shots all looked 100% fine to me (aside from a 3D comic backstory explaining Big Daddy and Hit Girl's backstory) and the music was actually awesome, because it was from a bunch of other awesome movies. I"m sure they'll make a great score for this movie, but I wish you had the chance to see the movie with music from The Prodigy, The Dark Knight, Superman, Batman, The Fountain, and all the other movies it uses movies from. The whole story is set around people who read comics, love them, and want to bring some of that heroism into the real world, so having music from other movies works so well. It's like they couldn't think of anything better themselves except for the same source material they're drawing from anyway. And I love The Prodigy (seeing him have his first true hero moment defending a guy from 3 Gang-Members while everyone looks and doesn't help while hearing The Prodigy's 'Omen' was really awesome, it totally drove the chaos and adrenaline of the scene home).

So...if you haven't figured it out yet I'll boil it all down for you. This is a movie for nerds and non-nerds alike (although nerds might identify a liiiiiiiittle more with it). It's funny. It's violent as hell. It's awesome. I'll have get you excited and yelling for more. When it comes out, go see it. It's going to Kick-Ass.

(P.S. I'm aware of how stupid that last line was. STFU.)

Beasts of Burden #1

Writer: Evan Dorkin
Artist: Jill Thompson
Letterer: Jason Arthur

Recently Dark Horse released Beasts of Burden a comic series essentially about a bunch of dogs and cats fighting the supernatural.

I wanted to give this series a fair shake people I really really did but, the phrase "talking dogs & cats" is pretty much an automatic trigger for me to go into cynic mood. Memories of those horrible Look Whose Talking movies are brought up and it sours me a lot towards finding anything positive in anything.

Talking dogs and cats don't work. Point period. They don't work because nine times outta ten whoever is writing the characters doesn't understand the concept of decent characterization. Tell me how many times the dog or cat is written as a lovable, trustworthy animal. Yeah...almost always. Dogs/cats characterized with a "Oh golly" personality are boring, they are unrelateable. I am not saying we should sacrifice an entire story for the sake of good characterization but without decent writing giving voice to the characters, the writer is making the reader work harder to get into a story, and I think that's the problem with this title.

Evan Dorkin's writing is good, you can see glimmers of it here and there, but the characterization of the dogs/cats is just felt to be lacking. The artwork for the issue has a very fairy-tale feel to it which I dig. Jill Thompson's work on the huge frog, utterly disgusting but in a good way. Rare are the times a comic's art can gross me out but there is one scene in this issue where the frog explodes, aww man, seriously, it's pretty sick.

So in short, this first issue of Beasts of Burden is off to a ROCKY start. The writing right now is meh but the artwork by Thompson is promising.

C-

BPRD: 1947 #1 - #3

Writer(s): Mike Mignola, Joshua Dysart
Artist(s):Fábio Moon, Gabriel Bá

BPRD: 1947 is a continuation of the BPRD: 1946 series. This story, like the 1946 series, is set in the older days of the BPRD when Professor Bruttenholm essentially sent soldiers off to investigate weird occurrences across the world. This time the Professor assembles a new group of soldiers to investigate the slaying of several Nazi soldiers throughout Eastern Europe. The way in which these soldiers were slaughtered seems to suggest one vampire making a statement to all of humanity..and well the statement is pretty much "I am gonna fuck all of humanity up" to put it simply. In search of this vampire a group of specialized soldiers are sent to a small village in France. There is more to this but I don't wanna give away anymore of the plot.

Dark Horse has cracked out another Hellboy inspired titled from the mind of Mike Mignola and yet again his style of storytelling kept me hungry for every page in these three issues I was given. I like Mignola folks, this is not news, the man can write a damn good comic. Mignola's style always seems to harken back to the old 50s comic monster tales. There is an oldness to his writing that is both familiar and new. It's hard to put into words I guess but, if you like corny horror movies and comics from the 1950s and 40s, with maybe a bit of mythology thrown in, good money you'll enjoy his stuff. His writing in 1947 is no different then usual but in this instance I think BPRD: 1947 is made even better by his co-writer, Dysart, who seems to flesh out the character's Mignola has created, giving in particular a sense of realism to each soldier in the group that has been dispatched to the small village in France. The artwork by Gabriel Ba and Fabio Moon is top notch and if your a fan of Umbrella Academy or the older BPRD art styles you'll dig it.

Overall these first three issues of BPRD: 1947 are good. There is some overlap from BPRD: 1946 but not so much where a first time reader couldn't just pick up BPRD: 1947 by itself and get into the story. So check this out if you get a chance, or if your strapped for cash definitely check it out in trade, it's a good tale you'll likely dig.

A+

Justin Quizon's '9' Review!

What did I tell you, kiddies? The bear-trap with Pocky worked like a charm! Justin Quizon's back, and this time, he's reviewing the new post-apocalyptic CG epic titled '9' for us!

Visually, this a stunning film.

The character designs, the directing, the action scenes, the world building....all of this is wonderful.

The voice acting is quite good too, thanks to it's strong voice cast.

The main problem with the film is the script.

Now, I find it confusing with some of the reaction I've heard with this movie, where it's a nearly violent hatred with the script because I didn't find the script inslutingly bad. Inslutingly bad scripts this year? Try out Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, G.I. Joe, Angels and Demons, X-Men Origins: Wolverine etc. THESE movies had scripts so bad that I wanted to scream at the screenwriters.

No, the problem with 9's script is that it's just, well, things just happen. There's really no build up in this flick.

The films done almost entirely with exposition, using elements from other sci-fi fantasty films we've already seen. With it's quick run time, the film didn't get to breath. The movie is set piece, after set piece after set piece.

The characters don't interact as much as we would like them too, but then I think they interact enough so that we at least get to know them (UNLIKE fucking Transformers 2)

But the movie doesn't bombared me with inslutingly bad jokes, any bad character logics (when something happens to one of the characters, the other characters REACT to what happened and feel for them realisticly) or WTF? sloppy screenwritting that left me scratching.

I will tell you this...if I was, hmmm, say 8-10 years old, and I saw this movie (be it in theater or on cable) trust me, THIS MOVIE WOULD HAVE BLOWN MY MIND.

It would have been a movie that me and my fellow movie nerd films would discuss 15 years later ("Dude, remember that freaky movie about the dolls fighting evil robots?" "You mean 9?" "YEAH! 9! I loved that movie when I was a kid!")

This is this generations The Dark Crystal, a visually amazing movie that older film fans will find the flaws, but a younger generation is going to see it and fall in love with.

And maybe thats were I want to be right now, a young kid who just wants to enjoy a movie.

Well there you have it kiddies! Our catch-and-release program with the little fella is working out quite nicely! Of course we had to let him go again because our word is our bond and he DID review the movie, but set your mind at ease. We will surely exploit his vices again soon in the future and you will read another (forced) review. This I am sure of. Until next time!

Zombieland Review

One of our best and brightest, Justin Quizon, was fortunate enough to attend an advanced screening of the upcoming flick "Zombieland." After seeing it, myself and the rest of the Aboutheroes crew tied him up in our basement and worked him over with a blowtorch and a car battery until he agreed to write a review for the flick. This is that review:

(Writers note: This is a review for an early test screening cut of the film “Zombieland”. Some special effects were not done, scenes can be added or taken out before release and the score/music could be temporary.)

Walk into a movie with a title like “Zombieland”, you expect a certain kind of flick. A title like that you would hope the flick should be fun,have a tongue firmly in it's cheek sense of humor, and if they do this right, some scares (being that the movie has zombies and such.)

So, does this flick deliver on such promises with a title like that?

Oh you betcha.

The film set up is fairly simple (what with the help of a really stylish, cool opening credits sequences).

The world's fucked, and a zombie outbreak has destroyed everything. In order for you to survive you need to be smart, cautious, and be a bit of an off kilter person to survive it.

That's how the films narrator Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) has survived. He was already a neurotic shut-in before the zombie outbreak, and strangely being a neurotic shut-in has helped him survive. He has created a list of rules to survive “Zombieland” and with each new incident, he learns and adds to the list just so he can survive.

Soon he meets Tallahassee (Woody FUCKING Harrelson), a crazed badass who apparently having the time of his life in this apocalypse as he found himself to be an effective zombie killer. They team up, fights some more zombies in Tallahassee's strange personal quest (I'm going to let you see for yourself when you watch the flick to find out what that personal quest is.)

They then bump into Wichita (Emma Stone) and her little sister, Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), a couple of con artist siblings. The quartet form this strange team as they travel on their road trip to California in hopes of going to a amusement park that apparently is “zombie-free”.

At first glance, the number one comparison to “Zombieland” would have to be “Shaun of the Dead”, but other then they're both zombie/comedies they don't have much in common.

What “Zombieland” DOES share with “Shaun of the Dead” is the rules on how to portray the zombies in the flick. Like “Shaun”, the zombies in “Zombieland” are treated very scary; they are not silly, goofy monsters. They are deadly predators and are never used in a humors manner. (Note: these are the FAST zombies that 28 days later... and the Dawn of the Dead remake popularized)

The humor thankfully belongs with the characters, and it's a fun cast with some genuine chemistry.( A pretty funny driving montage really showcases this during the middle of the flick) The fun thing is realizing that ALL of the characters actually seem better off in a land of the undead as we get quick flashbacks to their lives before, hell one of the flashbacks proves even more effective by making one of the characters deeper then they appear to be.

While Eisenberg, Stone and Breslin are pretty good in this, the real star is Woody Harrelson. His Tallahassee is just rules in this. The glee he shows killing zombies and his take no shit attitude are real highlight in this and it's just great to see Woody Harrelson have fun in this.

Also, there is a great, great, great cameo that I really hope that they don't even hint in future TV Spots/trailers, because it's so damn great and it's my favorite part of the whole movie.

Director Ruben Fleischer (who's only real credits before this was working on the Jimmy Kimmel Show and a documentary) really proves himself here as he showcases some fun inventive action scenes, a good eye for comedy and some really cool stylish ideas (the way how Columbus's rules pop up through out the film was a nice touch.)

My only real complaints is the inherent rushness the film has so far. In this cut of the flick the movie movies at a real brisk 80+ minutes, but I honestly feel 10 more minutes wouldn't hurt it to give it some more meat. Also there are some ideas that are not really fleshed out that I wish they discussed more. One idea was that each person renamed themselves as the city they came from, but for some reason the sisters Wichita and Little Rock are named two different cities kinda randomly (I know if they're from the same city they can't have the same name for the movie but why these cities in particular?) One of my favorites is the idea of the zombie kill of the week, but we only get one and it would have been awesome to have seen more.

Honestly, I think a lot of the these problems stems from the fact the movie was originally a TV pilot, and you can see how these things would have developed if this was still a weekly show. (Can you imagine how much fun it would have been to tune in each week see a different zombie kill of the week).

Even with these flaws, the movie is still a ton of fun. Personally, this might be my favorite guilty pleasure movie of the year, and I will wait in hopes to hear if they plan to do a "Zombieland" 2, because I think they just gotten started with what to do with this world.

-Justin Quizon

Well there you have it folks! He's a keeper, I tell you! Too bad we had to let him go after he wrote this, but don't worry, we have a plan involving Pocky and Bear Trap that surely will result in him writing another article for us soon! (INSERT EVIL, MANIACAL LAUGH HERE)

Blackest Night #1 Review

Well well well, it's finally here folks. The day the Green Lanterns have been talking about since they learned to rhyme. Blackest Night! It's begun, and with quite a bang if you ask me. It practically screamed to be reviewed, so....here I am, reviewing it.

We start out with Black Hand digging up and immediately puking onto / making out with poor old Batman's skull, which, apparently turned it into a Black Ring Pez Dispenser.

But seriously, before going any further, let's just discuss this. Batman's been in the ground for a hot DC minute and already, some asshole's digging him up and using is noggin as the spitoon from hell. The only reason it's forgiveable is because it prompts Alfred to pull a classic Gob Bluth moment...

Honestly though, the reprecussions of using Bats' skull as the black ring dispenser are yet to be seen, but I just needed an excuse to throw those two images up next to each other. Moving on then...

All the super-people and a lot of the citizens out there are using the day of Superman's 'death' as a day of remembrance for those who have fallen in the line of super hero duty. A clever and fitting device to remind all the readers of those top tier few who've taken the heroic "save the universe" dirt nap, along with all the second, third, fourth, and fourteenth stringers that you may or may not heard of.

Meanwhile under the Hall of Justice, Barry and Hal are having the conversation that seems to have been going on for months now. "ZOMG HAL! I WUZ DED FER SO LONG. I FEEEL LYKE I MIZZED AWOT!!!" In non-retarded aboutheroe-writer words, that's Barry Allen woefully catching up with Hal on all the stuff he missed while he was spending quality time with the Speed Force. This issue, the focus of the conversation is....SURPRISE! PEOPLE WHO DIED!

No sooner has Geoff Johns thoroughly reminded us of all the stiffs laying around in the DCU, he flips the switch and starts the party with some horrific, somewhat hilarious guardian-on-guardian throat-ripping.

And there we have it. Creepy-Scar-Face Guardian forsakes her blue kin to be the official Guardian of the Black Lantern because...well she's bored. At least that's what I was led to believe In the latest issue of Green Lantern. Either way, we officially have a Black-Lantern bonanza on our hands. The black rings arrive to earth and resurrect everyone and all their mothers, it seems.

Before you know it, Black Lantern Ralph and Sue Dibny savagely kill and 'eat' Hawkgirl and Hawkman, and just when she was getting around to saying she loves him! I hate it when that happens. Black Mask comes up with some Black Lantern Pez (read: Rings) for the two new converts, and a-waaaaay we go! Issue #1 concludes with a bang.

So there we have it. DC's clever answer to Marvel Zombies has begun, and it looks like it's going to be an awesome ride. I wish I could grant more validity to this review by actually, y'know, REVIEWING it, but I'm incapable of doing anything but drooling over Geoff John's work. As far as I am concerned the man can do no wrong, and nothing's changed with this issue. Pick it up. Read it. Try not to do anything weird like rub your genitals on it (I just want my readers to be better than myself. I have standards....for you.) This is an awesome comic. It's a disservice to the artists to not at least mention that Ivan Reis and Oclair Albert did a fantastic job on art. I hope they keep it up, and in a timely manner. UNTIL NEXT TIME, CITIZENS!!!!

-Joshiebear

Ultimatum #4 Choose-Your-Own Verdict

So I thought I might write a review for this comic since y'know, that's sort of what we're supposed to do here, but instead I thought I would just tell you my case (it isn't good) and then, as if this were some sort of court case, give you evidence supporting it.

Verdict: Ultimatum is shock-gore horse-$#!% intended to make you THINK it's good because they're doing "CRAZY" things, when really, it's just superbly bad writing with people dying to make it look important.

EXHIBIT A:

Apparently, Ultimate Spider-Man is dead. Way to go, assholes. The only reason 90% of the readers pick up Ultimate titles is now Jeph Loeb-fodder.

EXHIBIT B:

BUNGHOLES?! Damn you, Loeb. Nick fury DOES NOT EQUAL Beavis and Butthead. It's the Ultimates, you wrote Ultimates 3 so "Edgy", why can't he just say assholes, or jerks, or ANYTHING BUT BUNGHOLES!?!?!?!?

EXHIBIT C:

Explaining why this is bad would be like showing you the a video of the victim (Comic Books) being stabbed by the defendant (Jeph Loeb) and then having to actually explain why that is bad.

EXHIBIT D:

He can't even write his own Evil Villain Dialogue. He has to borrow it from the Bible. Lazy and super F'd out.

EXHIBIT E:

Gore for the sake of gore. OMG THEY KILLED TEH DOKTOR STRANJJ!!!1

EXHIBIT F:

More gore for the sake of gore. So retarded. So so retarded. No fights, no characterization, it's like a kid playing with action figures. All that's needed is just the characters hitting each other and everyone's having the time of their life. This is so $#!%.

So there you go faithful readers. Make up your own minds. Is this not awful? Also, I love Finch as an artist, and this is some of the worst work I have ever seen him churn out.